I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
