Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
whose ass print is on the piano?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
