The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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