i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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