I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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