I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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