I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
