I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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