she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
