I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
