The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
