my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
