the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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