So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
