Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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