i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize