why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
