Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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