i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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