from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
