I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
