I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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