I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
