dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
