I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
