??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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