My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
