There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
