I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
