i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
