I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
