you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
