I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
