your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
There are leaves in my underwear?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
