I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
