2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
