I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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