the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
