In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
