New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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