Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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