If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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