Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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