I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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