Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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