i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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