JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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