I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
