I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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