i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
