New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize