I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
