I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Cover your peen. We're going out.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
