you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
