he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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