I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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