Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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