No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
